How much time have you spent thinking about this inevitability?? Do you know where to find a weapon in your home? Do you have all possible escape routes mapped out? But more importantly, are you willing to cap Nana in the dome if she starts looking funny??
To some, the Zombie Apocalypse is a never-gonna-happen fantasy. They believe in zombies about as much as they believe in the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus. (These people also tend to kick puppies and trip the elderly.) But for others, the zombie invasion is just a matter of time. (Check out the article 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Happen for ironclad proof!) But regardless of your stance, a little preparedness and thought can go a long way. And in that vein, let us chit-chat about some of the least thought about tips that will make you a zombie survivalist.
Bookitty’s Underestimated List of Things to Remember in the Event That Zombies Take Over the Earth. (catchy name, right?!)
Know Thy Neighbor – Okay, so maybe your neighbors are kinda ….. weird. The guy three doors down has such an amalgamation of antenna on his roof, you sometimes fear for his safety during a lightning storm. Just next door is the rowdy hick who drinks beer in the front yard and has a set of deer horns attached to the grill of his Ford truck. Or maybe you heard the house down the street comes equipped with a “Safe” room. While these things may seem like trivial tidbits of your everyday life, I say we should file these things in the good ole mental Rolodex. That guy with the lightning rod roof? He surely has some type of radio communication device that could come in handy when trying to locate survivors. Your redneck neighbor? You KNOW he probably has his own personal arsenal of guns and hunting knives. Just the kind of weaponry you’ll need to fight off the horde of infected undead. And that house down the block? Well, I’m sure you can figure that one out. The point is, environmental awareness could mean the difference between surviving the end of days and volunteering yourself as a zombie hors d’oeuvre.
Fuck Thy Neighbor – When Z Day hits, it’s time to throw those pesky morals and values out the window. Chances are, all those neighbors we talked about previously are now wandering the streets looking for fresh meat (aka: you!). So I don’t think they are going to miss that machete or football helmet or case of water they had stashed in their home. It’s now every man for him (or her) self. So you better learn some B&E stat. But going hand in hand with this is the fact that you’ll probably run into some zombified home owners whilst invested in your looting and pillaging. Sweet little 3 year old Franklin is now interested in doing more than playing. And frail little Thelma, who used to bake cookies for the neighborhood kids, seems to move at a faster clip now, despite the fact that she’s missing part of her face! Male, female. Young, old. Related or not! You need to remember that they are no longer human. They are the enemy. So find your happy place and be ready to serve up some zombie justice.
Play More Video Games! – Video Game Designers have spent far more time than you or I thinking about zombies. Different scenarios, evolving breeds, creative ways of killing. The average person may or may not have ever shot a real gun. But if you look at games like Left 4 Dead 2 as a relatively inexpensive Z Day simulator, wouldn’t it behoove us all to log some hours? Zombie games will teach you things like:
- How to think on your feet.
- Which type of weapon works best for each type of zombie.
- Why conserving ammo is important.
- The kinds of people you do or don’t want at your back.
- And why the sound of crying is no reason to investigate.
Just like part of a pilot’s curriculum includes simulator training, so too should all people spend some time “training” through the use of Resident Evil or Dead Island. Get your time in now before it’s too late!
Farms Are Your Friend – This may not apply to everyone, but do you live in a place where you can find an honest to goodness farm? If grandpa starts bleeding from the eyes, your best bet may be to head to that farm. Have you ever seen some of the machinery found on a farm?? Though slower moving and probably a bitch to operate, a Combine Harvester could easily double as a zombie killing machine in a pinch. And with all that flat open land, you could probably spot zombies coming from quite a distance away. Not to mention that farmers, because of their proximity to modern conveniences are bound to have a surplus of food and warm clothes. It might almost be like an Undead Supermart for survivors. While there would certainly be some drawbacks, this is the kind of thinking that must be adopted if you have any hope of repopulating the human race.
Bottlenecks FTW – Do you remember that scene in 300 where Leonidas and his army fight their first battle at the Hot Gates? Watch it now to refresh your memory! They chose the pass at Thermopylae because, regardless of how large the Persian army was, the pass would restrict the number of men allowed to fight at once. And it was because of this tactical advantage that the Spartans were able to fight off thousands of enemies for days on end. All I’m saying is that if you’re running for your life with dozens of zombies hot on your heels, finding naturally occurring bottlenecks (whether it be a doorway, alleyway, hallway, etc…) would give you the advantage you needed to take them out one by one. This also ties into tip #4, since it is because of video games that I know this in the first place.
But my last tip of the day is this: If the Zombie Apocalypse were to actually happen, I say make the most of it. If you wanna smash a table, smash a table! If you want to fight in a tutu and clown shoes, more power to ya. If you want to piss on Main Street while singing the Star Spangled Banner, I say go for it! Enjoy your new freedoms and find your fellow survivors so you can get down to the business of repopulating the world! You are up to it, right? 😉