Game: The Mario Series
Lesson: Bros. Before Hoes

Why you lil' B*&^@!

Come again?? How many times have you beaten Bowser only to be told: Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!

Come on already! Why does Mario care about the princess anyhow? Okay yes, she has the power to lift the evil spell that has befallen the land, but when did that equate to love? While stories lead us to believe that heroic acts of valor equate to “getting the girl,” does Mario really believe that once he’s saved Peach that she’s just going to fall head-over-heels for a mustachioed plumber? Is he counting on a little Hero Worship to forge and solidify a lasting relationship? Or is he hoping that by saving her, he would forge a lifelong plumbing contract with the Mushroom Kingdom?

Motives aside, if level after level you are fighting off all manner of obstacles and baddies, doesn’t there come a time when you just say: “Fuck it! No woman is worth this much!” I think it’s high time that Peach learned to save herself. She must have missed the memo about the Feminist Movement. Maybe it’s time for someone to practice a little Girl Power and reach down deep inside and grow a pair.

It’s women like Princess Peach that have given the female gender a bad name by perpetuating ideas like:

  • Women are frail creatures.
  • That we all love the color pink.
  • That we are helpless and can’t take care of ourselves.
  • That we are prone to abduction over and over again!

I don’t know about you, but there were definitely times when I imagined Peach in “another” castle laughing her ass off. Thinking to herself, “I can dump on this guy forever and he keeps coming back for more! He’s like my own personal punching bag. Once he finds me, I’ll just thank him, give him a kiss on the cheek and then start planning my next ‘abduction’… Muahahaha!”

So I say enough is enough. Fuck The Princess! Who needs her!? (She’s probably a stuck-up harlot anyway.)

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