Good Evening…Submitted for your approval, a “What If?”… an “Elseworlds Story” …a trip into the Holodeck…whatever you want to call it.

and the "Picard" goes to…

What if the Oscars were voted on and given out every year at Comicon? What if, instead of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, it was some kind of genre lover’s group? Probably a secret council, or a fellowship, or maybe an elite international assemblage of…geeks I guess. There could still be an Oscars ceremony, but now they’d be called the Picards, or the Prof X’s or something else to make us chuckle at the statue’s similarity to a naked Patrick Stewart.
Billy Crystal wouldn’t be let in the building as each year Kevin Smith would get on stage, rant for a while about “how fucking cool” each movie was and then we’d watch all five Best Picture nominees in a Mountain Dew&Smirnoff fueled marathon before awarding the Stewarts?(Stewie’s maybe?) It’d be a party so big that damn “yub nub” song would kick in! (Something that happens as a natural force of the universe during mass moments of pure joy…There are reports of Yub Nub echoing through the streets of NY when Osama Bin Laden was killed, hours before anyone knew it actually happened. Why my own grandfather still swears that he first heard the song on V-J day. It’s true, look that shit up!)

 

Ceremony aside, I humbly submit my list of what the awards might have looked like under those circumstances…

The Alien Cyborgs In Depth "Rating System"

(A note about bias and ranking…I’ve tried to be as objective as possible with this list, so it reflects a pretty honest representation and not just my obsessions with a particular franchise or company. That list would, of course, be Troll shit, and the sewers of the forums are already cracking under the weight of the exploding river of Troll shit. In fact there are a couple of Best Picture “winners” below that I don’t even like. When choosing Best Picture, I took into consideration box office, critics rating, geek obsessiveness, and sustainability…also, I tried to imagine what the actual voting or response to each movie would have been if I really were there in that year polling at Comicon. Example: In 1988, Beetlejuice was HUGE! Everybody knew what it was, and most people loved it. Akira came out the same year, but who saw Akira in the theater? Japanese guys, that’s who. On this side of the Pacific, you probably saw it on a vhs that your Robotech obsessed buddy shoved into your book bag while swearing it’s the coolest thing he’s ever seen. Alternately this list has cases where a movie will be higher because it didn’t do as well theatrically, but is truly obsessed over now, while the same year may have a big hit that’s no longer very well regarded. Always remember, Batman and Robin made money. On paper it’s a success. Now, how many of you would line up at a carnival to buy a $20 ticket at my Punch Joel Schumacher booth? I’m seeing a lot of hands go up!) (talk about a long winded parenthetical, huh?)

OBVIOUSLY it’s impossible to know exactly how people would have voted, and nobody’s calling this list fact…it’s just a list…it’s supposed to be fun…I hope you dig it!

FYI: I’m starting in 1977…the modern age of blockbusters, the Silver Age, whatever you want to call it…but if’n y’all demand it, maybe I’ll go back through and do the whole of the Oscars, though the picking were slim in some decades…the ’30′s just aren’t known for an abundance of space operas)

 ...and remember, its an honor just to be nominated.

70’s & 80’s

“The nominees for best picture are…”
___________________________________ 

 1977 Best Picture: Star Wars

Nominees:
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Suspiria
Wizards
The Spy Who Loved Me

Honorable Mentions: Shockwaves  -  Eraserhead  - Capricorn One
- Kingdom of the Spiders

 

 

 1978 Best Picture: Superman

Nominees:
Dawn of the Dead
Game of Death
Lord of the Rings
Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Honorable Mentions: Magic  -  Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Five Deadly Venoms  -  Up in Smoke  -  Watership Down

 

 

1979 Best Picture: Alien

Nominees:
Star Trek the motion picture
The Warriors
The Muppet movie
The Black Hole

Honorable Mentions:
Mad Max  -  Zombie  -  Life of Brian  -  Phantasm
The Clonus Horror  -  Nosferatu

 

1980 Best Picture: Empire Strikes Back

Nominees:
Superman II
The Shining
Battle Beyond the Stars
Flash Gordon

Honorable Mentions:
Friday the 13th  -  The Blues Brothers
Alligator  -  The Final Countdown

 

1981 Best Picture: Raiders of the Lost Ark

Nominees:
Escape From New York
The Road Warrior
Excalibur
Heavy Metal

Honorable Mentions:
The Evil Dead  -  An American Werewolf in London  -  The Howling  -  Clash of the Titans  -  Dragonslayer  -  Knightriders  -  Time Bandits  -  Swamp Thing

 

1982 Best Picture: Blade Runner

Nominees:
Star Trek II the Wrath of Kahn
The Thing
Tron
E.T.

Honorable Mentions:
Conan the Barbarian  -  Creepshow  -  Poltergeist  -  Sword and the Sorcerer  -  Forbidden Zone

.
1983 Best Picture: Return of the Jedi

Nominees:
War Games
Videodrome
Krull
Twilight Zone the movie

Honorable Mentions:
Fire and Ice  -  Superman III  -  Jaws III  -  Psycho II  -  Joysticks

 

1984 Best Picture: The Terminator

Nominees:
Ghostbusters
Dune
Gremlins
Nightmare on Elm Street
Honorable Mentions: Starman  -  This is Spinal Tap  -  2010  -  Red Dawn  -  Repo Man  -  Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom  -  Star Trek III the Search for Spock  -  The Toxic Avenger  -  The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai  -  The Last Starfighter  -  Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter  -  Conan the Destroyer  -  Ice Pirates

1985 Best Picture: Back to the Future
Nominees:
The Goonies
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
Re-Animator
Pee Wee’s Big Adventure
Honorable Mentions:
Weird Science  -  Legend  -  Brazil  -  Day of the Dead  -  Fright Night  -  Return of the Living Dead  -  Commando  -  Rambo: First Blood part II  -  Lifeforce  -  Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins  -  Demons  -  Ghoulies  -  Teen Wolf  -  Enemy Mine

.
1986 Best Picture: Aliens

Nominees:
Highlander
Star Trek IV
The Fly
Big Trouble in Little China

Honorable Mentions:
Labyrinth  -  Manhunter  -  Transformers the movie  -  Critters  -  Flight of the Navigator  -  SpaceCamp  -  Howard the Duck

.
1987 Best Picture: Robocop

Nominees:
Evil Dead II
Predator
The Monster Squad
The Lost Boys

Honorable Mentions:
The Running Man  -  Nightmare on Elm st. 3 the Dream Warroirs  -  Spaceballs  -  Hellraiser  -  Bad Taste  -  Near Dark  -  Project X  -  Masters of the Universe  -  The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

1988 Best Picture: Beetlejuice

Nominees:
Akira
They Live
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Willow

Honorable Mentions:
Bloodsport  -  Pumpkinhead  -  Alien Nation  -  Killer Klowns from Outer Space  -  Hellbound: Hellraiser 2  -  The Blob


1989 
Best Picture: Batman

Nominees:
Back to the Future 2
Last Crusade
Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
Road House

Honorable Mentions:
The Abyss  -  The Wizard  -  Meet the Feebles  -  Deepstar Six  -  Leviathan  -  Cyborg The Punisher  -  The Killer  -  Tetsuo, the Iron Man  -  UHF